On the lighter side - Golf Jokes & More !

[Bocco]

Well there's no basketball until November, so I figure among the heated political discussions a little lighter fare maybe in order. Feel free to post your favorite golf/fishing/etc joke.

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Saturday Morning. 8.00 am

My wife sleeping peacefully, I got up early, dressed quietly, made andwiches,
grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage to get out the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 80km/ph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the RTE One, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that sh*t?"

[94zagoldwomanasherdsmen]

and terribly shanks his drive on the 7th hole. He trudges off to find his ball, and lo and behold there's a small man with a knot on his head lying there unconscious beside it.

Patrick revives the poor lad who reveals that he's a leprechaun and while he's not happy about how Patrick had accomplished the feat, it remained that he had captured a leprechaun and was entitled to his three wishes. Patrick felt terrible and refused to accept anything...made sure the wee lad was all right and went on with his game.

The leprechaun took it upon himself to grant the three wishes any man would have fulfilled unknown to Patrick...he granted him all the money he could spend, the greatest golf game he'd ever had and the best love life the lad could bestow.

Two weeks later Patrick is playing the same course and the leprechaun runs out of the rough and says...how's your game been? Patrick is astonished and says, you'll never believe it, I've been a scratch golfer for the last 2 weeks!

then, the little man says, how've you been doing for money? again, Patrick says...I don't understand it, but when I stick my hand in my pocket there's 50 pounds! It's amazing.

Finally, the leprechaun nudges him with an elbow and says...how's your love-life been? More astonished than ever, Patrick says..sheepishly, I've been visiting, intimately, you know..the ladies about town at least once a week...!

Once a week? screams the leprechaun, why that's nothing! to which Patrick replies...come now, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish.

[RenoZag]

A Mom is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[RenoZag]

An oldie but a goodie:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.

[UberZagFan]

[UberZagFan]

Earl won first prize at a Opening Day tournament which was an envelope.
When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. As he had never been to a brothel before but he decided to go the next day.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room. Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked, "Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

[UberZagFan]

At a municipal golf course, a foursome approached the tee of the 430-yard, par-4 sixth hole. The long, straight fairway ran along a road that was fenced on the right. The green was slightly to the left of the straightaway with another road paralleling the green from which golfers often received the calls of hecklers.



The first golfer teed off with a long ball slice in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence, bounced 150 yards down the road, where it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course stopping just 10 yards short of the green.



As they all stood in amazement, a fellow golfer asked, "How on earth did you do that?"



The response came without hesitation, "You have to know the bus schedule."

[Bocco]

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8 iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

[RenoZag]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

"what happened"" asks the doctor.

" Well, it was like this. . ."

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her drive into a cow pasture. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the physician.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey ! This looks like yours!"

[Bocco]

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a United States Congressman", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[RenoZag]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. " The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

[Bocco]

1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

8. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

9. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

10. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt. For an 8.

11. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

12. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

13. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

14. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

15. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

16. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

17. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

18. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

19. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard

20. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e, back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

21. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

22. Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

23. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

24. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; if both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

25. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

26. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

27. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

28. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

29. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

30. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

31. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

32. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen, and you need to buy fresh ones each week.

33. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the >income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

34. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

35. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

36 You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

37. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas if you are performing brain surgery.

[lothar98zag]

I hope I haven't already posted this joke on this site. If I have...oh well...


(btw, not about golf)






Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roomate Jennifer was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roomates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love, Mom

[UberZagFan]

I hope I haven't already posted this joke on this site. If I have...oh well...

Boy, you sure have a short memory:

http://216.229.189.28/showthread.php?t=2663

[lothar98zag]

awesome!

[former1dog]

Boy, you sure have a short memory:

http://216.229.189.28/showthread.php?t=2663

Hmmm, is Lothar a head injury victim? Would not surprise.

It would be quite a story of courage and tenacity, though, wouldn't it?

[lothar98zag]

You'd be out of it too if you just spent 2 days in greater Fresno for work...

[former1dog]

You'd be out of it too if you just spent 2 days in greater Fresno for work...

I've been to Fresno. That explains everything. Sorry, no offense intended.

[lothar98zag]

Worse than just being in Fresno...


Selma, Dinuba, Lemoore, Coalinga, 500+ miles driven in 2 days...



Can't wait until I have to go to Taft and Ridgecrest in the next month or two...

[former1dog]

Worse than just being in Fresno...


Selma, Dinuba, Lemoore, Coalinga, 500+ miles driven in 2 days...



Can't wait until I have to go to Taft and Ridgecrest in the next month or two...

It could be worse, it could be mid August.

[94zagoldwomanasherdsmen]

Leavenworth to Spokane...beat that. ( In two weeks) oh yeah, by myself in a uhaul...gotta love college buddies.

[lothar98zag]

Leavenworth to Spokane...beat that. ( In two weeks) oh yeah, by myself in a uhaul...gotta love college buddies.

Beat that? I think I already did...

[Bocco]

I hope I haven't already posted this joke on this site. If I have...oh well...

By my count (and math never was my strong suit) it only took Lothar 7 days, 3 hrs and 7 mins to forget what he had posted. I think I'm beginning to understand how one gets to 1300+ plus posts in just over 3 months.........just keep posting the same stuff over and over .....

Former1dog you maybe the only one who reads and remembers what Lothar posts......WOW!!!!

[94zagoldwomanasherdsmen]

Beat that? I think I already did...

Fresno, that's child's play compared to driving (at 60 mph) through Iowa the whole time being able to see the other side of S. Dakota but never seeming to be able to get there. I've done it once from North Carolina, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and report back once I get done.

Peace bro.

[Bocco]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support