View Full Version : The Big Karnowski

04-03-2017, 09:27 AM
Working on a new script. Derivative I know. But what the hell. Here's the prologue.

The Stranger: [voiceover] Way out west there was this fella... fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Prezemek Karnowski. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. Karnowski, he called himself "Shem". Now, "Shem" - that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about Shem that didn't make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so darned interestin'. They call Spoe-cane the "Lilac City." I didn't find it to be that, exactly. But I'll allow there are some nice folks there. 'Course I can't say I've seen London, and I ain't never been to France. And I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what - after seeing Spoe-cane, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back in 2017 - just about the time of our conflict with Kim Jong Un and the Norks. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about Shem here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's Shem, at Gonzaga. And even if he's a big man - and Shem was most certainly that. Quite possibly the biggest in Spoe-Cane County, which would place him high in the runnin' for biggest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. I've done introduced him enough.

maynard g krebs
04-03-2017, 11:05 AM
Rem: "are these the Nazis, Shem?"

Shem: "No, Rem, these men are the academic cheater Tar Heels. They believe in nothing." (Then grabs Meeks' head, bites his ear off, and spits it skyward)

Thanks, Bowser. You've outdone yourself with one of my favorites. Made my day.

Martin Centre Mad Man
04-03-2017, 11:06 AM

maynard g krebs
04-03-2017, 11:10 AM
Carolina sends thugs to break into Shem's apartment and terrorize him before the game. One of them finds Shem's bowling ball, picks it up and says "what's this".

Shem: "obviously, you're not a basketball player".

04-03-2017, 11:13 AM
<Meeks introduces self to Shem>

Shem: nice marmot

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04-03-2017, 11:57 AM
Birddog: Bowser, ya know, it's North Carolina, so his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It's just a game, man.
Bowser: Bird, this is the final game, this determines the national champion. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
Referee: Yeah, but he wasn't over. Git me the scorer. Carolina ball.
Bowser: Zebra, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.
Birddog: Bowser...
Bowser: Gonzaga ball, and you're entering a world of pain.
Referee/Zebra: I'm not...
Bowser: A world of pain.
Bowser: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a #### about the rules? Gonzaga ball!
Birddog: They're calling the cops.
Bowser: Gonzaga ball!
Bowser: [shouting] You think I'm ####ing around here? Gonzaga ball!
Referee/Zebra: All right, it's ####ing Gonzaga ball. Are you happy, you crazy ####?
Bowser: ...It's the national championship game, Zebra. S'not personal.

04-03-2017, 12:27 PM
Bravo and more please:clap:

04-03-2017, 12:37 PM
It's a good thing that you roll on Shabbos.

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04-03-2017, 01:12 PM
Referee in Glendale: Coach Williams draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw ####, Karnowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little national championship game here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our blue-bloods, Karnowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off beard, and I don't like your jerk-off school, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

Shem: [after a pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

04-03-2017, 01:16 PM
Jordan Mathews: Mind if I shoot a J?

maynard g krebs
04-03-2017, 04:13 PM
"Tell me about yourself, Shem. What do you do for entertainment?"

"Oh, the usual. Bowl, drive around, dominate the paint."

04-03-2017, 04:32 PM
I had a rough night and I hate the ####ing Eagles, man.

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04-03-2017, 04:42 PM
You mean that guy Karnewski? ~Charles Barkley (who might have had one too many sips at the pre-game social)

04-03-2017, 06:18 PM
Kar-NOOOOOSE-ky. Hell, they're all saying it now! Even the darling little Tracey at halftime. Maybe they should just try "Shem".

04-03-2017, 08:26 PM
karno surprisingly hit his free throws...but he couldn't hit anything else. zags weren't going to win with karnowski only making one bucket the entire game.

04-03-2017, 08:36 PM
Sorry I jinxed you Shem.

04-03-2017, 08:42 PM
Sorry I jinxed you Shem.

I think that would be more likely if you were spouting poetry about him.

04-03-2017, 08:47 PM
I think that would be more likely if you were spouting poetry about him.

Ain't that the truth, bad haiku and bad limericks would have downed us by double digits, and BTW, how do so many people not get limericks?

04-03-2017, 08:54 PM
Hey not many picked up on my choice of cocktail, the Rob Roy.

And btw, bad haiku is redundant.

04-03-2017, 08:55 PM
Plus am I the only here that give's a #### about the rules?