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Bocco
04-16-2007, 04:39 PM
Well there's no basketball until November, so I figure among the heated political discussions a little lighter fare maybe in order. Feel free to post your favorite golf/fishing/etc joke.

************************************************** *******


Saturday Morning. 8.00 am

My wife sleeping peacefully, I got up early, dressed quietly, made andwiches,
grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage to get out the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 80km/ph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the RTE One, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that sh*t?"

94zagoldwomanasherdsmen
04-18-2007, 10:18 PM
and terribly shanks his drive on the 7th hole. He trudges off to find his ball, and lo and behold there's a small man with a knot on his head lying there unconscious beside it.

Patrick revives the poor lad who reveals that he's a leprechaun and while he's not happy about how Patrick had accomplished the feat, it remained that he had captured a leprechaun and was entitled to his three wishes. Patrick felt terrible and refused to accept anything...made sure the wee lad was all right and went on with his game.

The leprechaun took it upon himself to grant the three wishes any man would have fulfilled unknown to Patrick...he granted him all the money he could spend, the greatest golf game he'd ever had and the best love life the lad could bestow.

Two weeks later Patrick is playing the same course and the leprechaun runs out of the rough and says...how's your game been? Patrick is astonished and says, you'll never believe it, I've been a scratch golfer for the last 2 weeks!

then, the little man says, how've you been doing for money? again, Patrick says...I don't understand it, but when I stick my hand in my pocket there's 50 pounds! It's amazing.

Finally, the leprechaun nudges him with an elbow and says...how's your love-life been? More astonished than ever, Patrick says..sheepishly, I've been visiting, intimately, you know..the ladies about town at least once a week...!

Once a week? screams the leprechaun, why that's nothing! to which Patrick replies...come now, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish.

RenoZag
04-29-2007, 07:08 PM
A Mom is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

RenoZag
04-29-2007, 07:43 PM
An oldie but a goodie:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.

UberZagFan
04-30-2007, 02:39 PM
http://www.golflafs.com/Zahn-pics/zahn-concentrate350.jpg

UberZagFan
04-30-2007, 03:05 PM
Earl won first prize at a Opening Day tournament which was an envelope.
When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. As he had never been to a brothel before but he decided to go the next day.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room. Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked, "Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

UberZagFan
04-30-2007, 03:15 PM
At a municipal golf course, a foursome approached the tee of the 430-yard, par-4 sixth hole. The long, straight fairway ran along a road that was fenced on the right. The green was slightly to the left of the straightaway with another road paralleling the green from which golfers often received the calls of hecklers.



The first golfer teed off with a long ball slice in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence, bounced 150 yards down the road, where it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course stopping just 10 yards short of the green.



As they all stood in amazement, a fellow golfer asked, "How on earth did you do that?"



The response came without hesitation, "You have to know the bus schedule."

Bocco
04-30-2007, 03:52 PM
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8 iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

RenoZag
05-01-2007, 11:45 AM
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

"what happened"" asks the doctor.

" Well, it was like this. . ."

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her drive into a cow pasture. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the physician.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey ! This looks like yours!"

Bocco
05-02-2007, 05:59 AM
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a United States Congressman", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

RenoZag
05-02-2007, 07:25 AM
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. " The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Bocco
05-03-2007, 03:20 PM
1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

8. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

9. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

10. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt. For an 8.

11. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

12. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

13. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

14. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

15. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

16. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

17. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

18. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

19. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard

20. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e, back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

21. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

22. Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

23. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

24. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; if both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

25. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

26. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

27. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

28. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

29. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

30. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

31. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

32. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen, and you need to buy fresh ones each week.

33. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the >income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

34. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

35. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

36 You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

37. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas if you are performing brain surgery.

lothar98zag
05-04-2007, 11:11 AM
I hope I haven't already posted this joke on this site. If I have...oh well...


(btw, not about golf)






Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roomate Jennifer was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roomates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love, Mom

UberZagFan
05-04-2007, 01:36 PM
I hope I haven't already posted this joke on this site. If I have...oh well...


Boy, you sure have a short memory:

http://216.229.189.28/showthread.php?t=2663

lothar98zag
05-04-2007, 01:49 PM
awesome!

former1dog
05-04-2007, 01:58 PM
Boy, you sure have a short memory:

http://216.229.189.28/showthread.php?t=2663

Hmmm, is Lothar a head injury victim? Would not surprise.

It would be quite a story of courage and tenacity, though, wouldn't it?

lothar98zag
05-04-2007, 02:06 PM
You'd be out of it too if you just spent 2 days in greater Fresno for work...

former1dog
05-04-2007, 02:07 PM
You'd be out of it too if you just spent 2 days in greater Fresno for work...

I've been to Fresno. That explains everything. Sorry, no offense intended.

lothar98zag
05-04-2007, 02:21 PM
Worse than just being in Fresno...


Selma, Dinuba, Lemoore, Coalinga, 500+ miles driven in 2 days...

:fingergun:

Can't wait until I have to go to Taft and Ridgecrest in the next month or two...

former1dog
05-04-2007, 02:31 PM
Worse than just being in Fresno...


Selma, Dinuba, Lemoore, Coalinga, 500+ miles driven in 2 days...

:fingergun:

Can't wait until I have to go to Taft and Ridgecrest in the next month or two...


It could be worse, it could be mid August. :)

94zagoldwomanasherdsmen
05-04-2007, 02:55 PM
Leavenworth to Spokane...beat that. (:mad: In two weeks) oh yeah, by myself in a uhaul...gotta love college buddies.

lothar98zag
05-04-2007, 03:23 PM
Leavenworth to Spokane...beat that. (:mad: In two weeks) oh yeah, by myself in a uhaul...gotta love college buddies.
Beat that? I think I already did...

Bocco
05-04-2007, 05:04 PM
I hope I haven't already posted this joke on this site. If I have...oh well...


By my count (and math never was my strong suit) it only took Lothar 7 days, 3 hrs and 7 mins to forget what he had posted. I think I'm beginning to understand how one gets to 1300+ plus posts in just over 3 months.........just keep posting the same stuff over and over .....:D

Former1dog you maybe the only one who reads and remembers what Lothar posts......WOW!!!!

94zagoldwomanasherdsmen
05-05-2007, 12:40 AM
Beat that? I think I already did...

Fresno, that's child's play compared to driving (at 60 mph) through Iowa the whole time being able to see the other side of S. Dakota but never seeming to be able to get there. I've done it once from North Carolina, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and report back once I get done.

Peace bro.

Bocco
05-06-2007, 10:20 AM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

RenoZag
05-17-2007, 07:07 PM
When Thompson hit 70, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam and he took sunbaths.

In just three months' time, Thompson lost 30 pounds and reduced his waist by six inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it off with a new haircut. Stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?" [ba-ba boom]

And a voice from the heavens responded: "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."

;)

UberZagFan
05-18-2007, 08:27 AM
When Thompson hit 70, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam and he took sunbaths.

In just three months' time, Thompson lost 30 pounds and reduced his waist by six inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it off with a new haircut. Stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?" [ba-ba boom]

And a voice from the heavens responded: "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."

;)


That's cold. Funny though.

UberZagFan
05-18-2007, 08:29 AM
Apologies to those from Kentuckty (unless, of course, if you don't find this humorous but can relate, then no apologies).



HILLBILLY MIRROR

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife Lizzy didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b#### he's runnin' around with."

RenoZag
05-18-2007, 10:21 AM
Father Phelan was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course. It was an obsession.

It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning and it looked like it would be a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was rising, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was pleasant and rising.

The good Father couldn't resist. He called a Parish assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not say Mass, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where he felt no one would know him. He was first there and first out by himself, another good break.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching Father Phelan and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, "Have a look at Father Phelan. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement.

After a double on the first hole, the good Father teed up on the second, a wicked long 225 yard par three with a 175 yard carry over water. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air, landed on the front of the green and then rolled right into the cup. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "I did. Think about it; who can he tell?"

Bocco
05-18-2007, 06:40 PM
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

Bocco
05-18-2007, 06:49 PM
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.


LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.


LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.


LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.


LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.


LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.


LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.


LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.


LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.


LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?


LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.


LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.


LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.


LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).


LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.


LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."


LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.


LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.


LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Bocco
05-18-2007, 09:35 PM
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

RenoZag
05-19-2007, 07:56 AM
"lying Back at his wife drove up a Most inherent mock attires; alternatives before he did pour for my sword."

And the Subject Line ?

"important drugs at stumpy fee"

It used to be said that if you gave enough monkeys enough typewriters they would eventually write Shakespeare. The current version of that glib kernel of wisdom?

If you give enough spam bots enough gateways, they'll eventually write Mickey Spillane.

RenoZag
05-19-2007, 03:22 PM
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

On the 18th tee, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

RenoZag
05-19-2007, 03:25 PM
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

RenoZag
05-19-2007, 03:30 PM
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I' l l help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leperechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy."

Bocco
05-19-2007, 05:51 PM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
He immediately drops his pants and replies..
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Bocco
05-19-2007, 05:59 PM
You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous
Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with
It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger
When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment
There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease
If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

Bocco
05-19-2007, 06:11 PM
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success.

Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

Bocco
05-19-2007, 06:20 PM
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to he terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And...if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

RenoZag
05-20-2007, 07:25 PM
Heavenly Golf

A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. "Right over here we have our very own golf course!" said the angel.

"Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?!" they both exclaimed.

"Sure," said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong.

"I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

RenoZag
05-20-2007, 07:28 PM
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,

"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

RenoZag
05-20-2007, 07:32 PM
" Golf is not a funeral although both can be very sad affairs." -- Bernard Darwin

Bocco
05-22-2007, 09:12 PM
here's a fishing joke


A man was surf fishing along the beach when he found a bottle. He looked around but didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that really is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie thought for a while and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

lothar98zag
05-24-2007, 11:38 AM
Here's one you have to hear. It's awesome:



Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roomate Jennifer was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roomates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love, Mom




:adored:

Bocco
05-24-2007, 08:19 PM
you like that joke so well you now have posted it three times. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Bocco
05-24-2007, 08:20 PM
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy from the original, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says we have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for centuries.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. He's all bloody and crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot," what's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

Bocco
05-24-2007, 08:34 PM
These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.

Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist as rumor was that that could be of help in such a situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.


About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen Mrs. Smith playing golf at the club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!

lothar98zag
05-24-2007, 08:40 PM
you like that joke so well you now have poted it three times. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
wait. what? I've already posted it? no way. you lie!

UberZagFan
05-25-2007, 06:27 AM
wait. what? I've already posted it? no way. you lie!

Yeah, I'm not so sure that you have posted that before. I think that may have been the first time.

a13coach
05-25-2007, 08:27 AM
wait. what? I've already posted it? no way. you lie!


What joke? I don't think you have posted it yet. :D

kitzbuel
05-25-2007, 09:12 AM
"lying Back at his wife drove up a Most inherent mock attires; alternatives before he did pour for my sword."

And the Subject Line ?

"important drugs at stumpy fee"

It used to be said that if you gave enough monkeys enough typewriters they would eventually write Shakespeare. The current version of that glib kernel of wisdom?

If you give enough spam bots enough gateways, they'll eventually write Mickey Spillane.

Apparently the Rep Gods have decided that I can't give you rep, so you will have to settle for a post instead. :clap:

RenoZag
05-28-2007, 06:15 AM
Thank you, thank you. . .you're too kind. . .:o

Bocco
05-29-2007, 05:25 AM
"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not Bad...


:cheers:

Bocco
05-29-2007, 05:28 AM
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something ..

UberZagFan
05-31-2007, 01:30 PM
bump

RenoZag
06-04-2007, 08:38 PM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way,
but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who
are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe
it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband
and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our
honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke
to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened."

former1dog
06-04-2007, 09:13 PM
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened."


:lmao:

a13coach
06-05-2007, 08:34 AM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way,
but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who
are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe
it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband
and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our
honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke
to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened."


From Cool Hand Luke:
What we got here is... failure to communicate.
No politics in the FOO. :D

former1dog
06-05-2007, 08:41 AM
I got a kick out of that one because I'm pretty sure Reno is a democrat.

I love self effacing humor, it shows you don't take yourself too seriously.

RenoZag
06-05-2007, 11:20 AM
From Cool Hand Luke:
No politics in the FOO. :D



A13, I concur with your sentiment re: politics in the Foo.

As for Former's assertion: I'm not a member of any organized political party. . .(insert Will Rogers' famous punch line here. . .)

;)

UberZagFan
06-07-2007, 09:58 AM
This is a very interesting bit of information.
>>
>>Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
>>unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
>>cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
>>
>>This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by
>>the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
>>
>>However, what you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly
>>nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald
>>Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle
>>were all born.
>>
>>
>>See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
>>
>>
>>This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
>

lothar98zag
06-07-2007, 10:49 AM
This is a very interesting bit of information.
>>
>>Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
>>unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
>>cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
>>
>>This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by
>>the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
>>
>>However, what you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly
>>nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald
>>Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle
>>were all born.
>>
>>
>>See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
>>
>>
>>This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
>
:lmao:

a13coach
06-07-2007, 11:11 AM
This is a very interesting bit of information.
>>
>>Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
>>unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
>>cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
>>
>>This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by
>>the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
>>
>>However, what you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly
>>nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald
>>Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle
>>were all born.
>>
>>
>>See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
>>
>>
>>This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
>

NO #$(&*^ Politics in the FOO!!!

UberZagFan
06-07-2007, 11:23 AM
NO #$(&*^ Politics in the FOO!!!

Aliens breeding with sheep is considered politics?

RenoZag
06-07-2007, 11:41 AM
Aliens breeding with sheep is considered politics?

Foo Rule: Making fun of alien cross bred politicians is allowed and encouraged.

And Negative Congrats to Uber for milestone POST # 1500. . .Boo, Hiss, etc.

(Already gave him his dose of red earlier)

;)

a13coach
06-07-2007, 11:43 AM
Aliens breeding with sheep is considered politics?

Well to some it may. Kdoggy and others would consider that a political post. :D


Just having fun. :) Where are those damn tags?

Bocco
06-10-2007, 03:42 PM
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Bocco
06-10-2007, 03:44 PM
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. Itís in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna %&*# around?"

Bocco
06-10-2007, 03:49 PM
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Iím lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Bocco
06-10-2007, 04:04 PM
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Bocco
06-10-2007, 04:06 PM
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

RenoZag
06-10-2007, 07:50 PM
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

RenoZag
06-10-2007, 07:56 PM
The young Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. "

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

Bocco
06-10-2007, 09:37 PM
The young Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. "

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

AMEN! Brother Reno, Hallelujah! Praise the Lord.
:adored:

Bocco
06-13-2007, 05:02 PM
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler b itches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler b i t c h e s in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Bocco
06-13-2007, 05:08 PM
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

Bocco
06-13-2007, 05:15 PM
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.

But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Alabama moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Bocco
06-13-2007, 05:21 PM
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out all my beer.

Bocco
06-13-2007, 05:24 PM
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

RenoZag
06-15-2007, 06:50 PM
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", he says with admiration.

"Thanks!" the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:04 PM
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:05 PM
The captain of a team says to the ref, "My coach wants to know if there is a penalty for thinking."
The ref says, "No."
The captain says, "Well my coach thinks you're an idiot."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:06 PM
As two basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks.
First said, 'Deer tracks?'
Second said 'No, bear tracks.'
However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:10 PM
The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:14 PM
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:21 PM
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.


3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY


4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)


5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?


6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour


7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)


8. What are people in America's far north called?

(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners


9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton


10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.


11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince


12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative


13. What are coat hangers used for?


14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?


15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.


16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?


17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe


18. Advanced math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?


19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?


20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting


*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:51 PM
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:52 PM
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:53 PM
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:54 PM
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:56 PM
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Bocco
06-16-2007, 12:56 PM
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

Bocco
06-16-2007, 01:06 PM
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Bocco
06-16-2007, 01:10 PM
1) My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

2) My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

3) My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

4) My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

5) My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

6) My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

7) My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

8) My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

9) My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

10) My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

11) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

12) My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.

13) My mother thaught me about - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

lothar98zag
06-25-2007, 01:33 PM
***PLEASE 5-star this thread***

For some reason, it only has 4!

All foo threads must have 5 stars!

BOO! to the person (people?) that gave this thread less than 5 stars.

UberZagFan
06-25-2007, 02:07 PM
***PLEASE 5-star this thread***

For some reason, it only has 4!

All foo threads must have 5 stars!

BOO! to the person (people?) that gave this thread less than 5 stars.

The joke thread is only 4? What are wrong with the Foo'ers?

Bocco
06-25-2007, 03:22 PM
Someone - a casual Foo visitor I suspect - gave Bocco a neg rep and the thread a single star rating as soon as the first joke was posted. Nice to see enough five star raters have come through that the initial one star rating has been overridden.

RenoZag
06-27-2007, 09:38 AM
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine; no adult is this creative!


JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?"


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it
was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."


D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is
he whispering in her mouth?"


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the
flea?"


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"


The Sermon: I think this mom will never forget this particular Sunday
sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who
was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?

Bocco
07-01-2007, 11:21 AM
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

RenoZag
07-01-2007, 07:44 PM
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbors kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

RenoZag
07-01-2007, 07:49 PM
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor.

"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "

No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

UberZagFan
07-06-2007, 09:06 AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question..

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time

Bocco
07-06-2007, 04:46 PM
Saturday Morning. 8.00 am

My wife sleeping peacefully, I got up early, dressed quietly, made sandwiches, grabbed my mallet, slipped quietly into the garage to get out the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing polo in that sh*t?."

RenoZag
07-09-2007, 05:40 PM
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor gets his history and gives him an exam, he discovers that the man has tried practically every therapy known for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school. But, it is advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while."

The doctor continued, "Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in five weeks."

Five weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for fifteen years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

El Voce
07-09-2007, 08:33 PM
A man carrying a sheep walks into the living room where his wife is sitting. He says, "This is the pig I have been sleeping with." The wife looks at him with disdain, replying "That's not a pig, it's a sheep!" He retorts: "I wasn't speaking to you."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:47 PM
Sign at a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:47 PM
Sign in a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:48 PM
Sign on a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:50 PM
Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:51 PM
Sign on the door of a Proctologist's office:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:51 PM
Sign on a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:52 PM
Sign on another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:53 PM
Sign on a Church billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:53 PM
Sign at a tire shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:55 PM
Sign at a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:55 PM
Sign on an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:57 PM
Sign in a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:57 PM
Sign on a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:58 PM
Sign at an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:59 PM
Sign on a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 03:59 PM
Sign on a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:00 PM
Sign at a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:01 PM
Sign outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:01 PM
Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:02 PM
Sign at the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:03 PM
**************************
Sign in a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:03 PM
Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:04 PM
Sign at a propane filling station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:05 PM
Sign at Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Bocco
07-12-2007, 04:09 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists... 2 men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

RenoZag
07-12-2007, 04:31 PM
And congrats to Bocco for his 1500th Post !

Bocco
07-20-2007, 03:34 PM
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh!t...what happened next?"

RenoZag
07-23-2007, 09:51 PM
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Bocco
07-24-2007, 09:14 PM
Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. :lmao:

Bocco
07-27-2007, 06:43 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely..........................................

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?

94zagoldwomanasherdsmen
07-27-2007, 11:34 PM
Saturday Morning. 8.00 am

My wife sleeping peacefully, I got up early, dressed quietly, made sandwiches, grabbed my mallet, slipped quietly into the garage to get out the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing polo in that sh*t?."

Very nice.

UberZagFan
08-03-2007, 02:21 PM
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce

Oklahoma

The proper way is:


"Okla . . . homa"


(There's a pause between the "a" and the "h".)


See the reason below.































































http://img387.imageshack.us/img387/6014/oklahomazy0.png

Bocco
08-05-2007, 02:54 PM
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

Bocco
08-05-2007, 02:56 PM
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Bocco
08-05-2007, 03:04 PM
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop activity, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old... and both of you still believe in genies?"

Bocco
08-05-2007, 03:08 PM
The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the heck was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in North Carolina, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in North Carolina, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said," I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that s.o.b. would've tried that crap with me!"

Bocco
08-05-2007, 03:13 PM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

RenoZag
08-11-2007, 07:34 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/crmlu/2007/crmlu070810.gif

Bocco
08-11-2007, 07:55 AM
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the preacher asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The preacher then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher.

"I don't have any," she relied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" he asked.

"Ninety-seven," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-seven years and not have an enemy in the world?" requested the preacher.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:



"I outlived the b#tch#s."

RenoZag
08-11-2007, 06:09 PM
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"



God: "To me, it's about a minute."



The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"



God: "To me it's a penny."



The man: "God, may I have a penny?"



God: "Wait a minute."

RenoZag
08-11-2007, 06:11 PM
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

As his fame grew, people from all over the country were coming to him in MN for portraits.

One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. She said money was no object -- she was willing to pay him $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Lena, Ollie asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

RenoZag
08-11-2007, 06:13 PM
http://www.jonco48.com/blog/aaTree_2Dof_2Dfriendship.jpg

I guess they used the "chain saw of animosity. . ."

Bocco
08-22-2007, 12:23 PM
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time, the biker says. ' I didn't think you'd CRY , I can't stand to see a man crying.'

This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

Bocco
08-25-2007, 07:16 PM
Two good ole boys in an East Texas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the 1st guy says to 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

Bocco
08-25-2007, 07:23 PM
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead!!

20.Always be yourself; because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones that mind, don't matter.

RenoZag
08-28-2007, 08:26 PM
A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

RenoZag
08-31-2007, 07:30 AM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

RenoZag
09-02-2007, 05:22 PM
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

RenoZag
09-03-2007, 04:01 PM
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Bocco
09-05-2007, 06:12 AM
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied . "The rest are for your father."

Bocco
09-10-2007, 08:51 AM
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Bocco
09-12-2007, 08:42 PM
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street ." The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street , that's O-A-K."

Bocco
09-12-2007, 08:43 PM
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena ' s knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth

Bocco
09-12-2007, 08:53 PM
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems...

They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute."

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? "

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Red Adair has put out the fire and Brown and Root is installing air conditioning."

lothar98zag
09-17-2007, 03:13 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would haveto come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"

"Darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:35 AM
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:38 AM
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:39 AM
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:40 AM
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:40 AM
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:41 AM
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:41 AM
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:42 AM
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:42 AM
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s h i t t i n' me?
______________________________________

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:45 AM
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....I was getting' laid

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:47 AM
ATTORNEY:She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you s h i t t i n' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:50 AM
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:50 AM
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:51 AM
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:52 AM
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:52 AM
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:53 AM
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:53 AM
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

Bocco
09-30-2007, 09:54 AM
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

UberZagFan
10-03-2007, 05:03 PM
How to get men to wash their hands?

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/2271/howtogetamantowashhishaln8.jpg

RenoZag
10-07-2007, 04:20 PM
At a pub in Ireland...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

RenoZag
10-18-2007, 06:44 PM
The Top 10 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park".
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day".
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m's" on them.



And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO.....



1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Bocco
11-11-2007, 07:18 PM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage an answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

'We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,' said one trooper.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

'Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-> five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

UberZagFan
11-20-2007, 02:57 PM
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

RenoZag
12-12-2007, 04:44 AM
1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the
office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
4. Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...like a
bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would
remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and
cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would
adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.

RenoZag
12-12-2007, 06:02 AM
A news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

RenoZag
12-14-2007, 05:03 PM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”

'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'



'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Bocco
12-14-2007, 05:52 PM
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.





PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

RenoZag
12-14-2007, 08:56 PM
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these freakin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

RenoZag
12-14-2007, 08:59 PM
(from the internets )

Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women



10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you're done with a Christmas tree you can throw it to the curb and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

And the number one reason Christmas Trees are better than women:

1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup.

RenoZag
12-17-2007, 08:32 PM
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"


"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

RenoZag
12-18-2007, 01:36 PM
Would You Visit a Urologist named " Chopp" ? (http://urologyteam.com/our-doctors/dr-richard-chopp.htm)




Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies. He also enjoys treating patients with metabolic evolution of kidney stone disease, male endocrine urology disorders, prostate disease and Peyronie's disease



" Hi ! I'm Dick Chopp. Nice to Meet You !! "

Anyway, Lothar says "hello" to all. . .he's extremely busy with year-end projects at work, etc.
He will return soon.

Bocco
12-18-2007, 03:06 PM
Would You Visit a Urologist named " Chopp" ? (http://urologyteam.com/our-doctors/dr-richard-chopp.htm)



" Hi ! I'm Dick Chopp. Nice to Meet You !! "

I know a guy by the name of Richard Belt. He is quite adamant that you do not call him "Dick"

Bocco
12-19-2007, 05:14 PM
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, He yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

lothar98zag
12-21-2007, 12:14 PM
Would You Visit a Urologist named " Chopp" ? (http://urologyteam.com/our-doctors/dr-richard-chopp.htm)



" Hi ! I'm Dick Chopp. Nice to Meet You !! "

Anyway, Lothar says "hello" to all. . .he's extremely busy with year-end projects at work, etc.
He will return soon.
Dr. Dick Chopp the Urologist...Lothar is glad Lothar doesn't have him as a Dr...

RenoZag
12-23-2007, 07:35 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tt/2007/tt071223.gif

RenoZag
01-03-2008, 05:30 PM
A young man went to a fortune teller. Gazing into her crystal ball, the old lady asked, “What is your dream, young man? What do you want to do with your life?”

“I want to become a great writer.

"How do you define great?” she asked.

“I want to write things that the whole world will read, Things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, Things that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger.

”The fortune teller reassured him, “It will be so.”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.”

Bocco
01-10-2008, 04:05 PM
........Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....



#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Rubbadub
01-14-2008, 01:02 PM
You know, I'm almost positive this thread is (was) the largest in the Foo that Rub never responded to.

Bocco
01-17-2008, 07:30 PM
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

RenoZag
01-29-2008, 08:25 PM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and says to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost' ? "

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five 'Hail Mary's' and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman leaves the confessional, says his "Hail Mary's", and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him: "I saw that, Laddie. Ya' din't put any money in the poor box! "

The Irishman replies, "'Yes, Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in! "

RenoZag
01-29-2008, 08:34 PM
A woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those b---hes sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

Bocco
02-02-2008, 01:11 PM
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Bocco
02-03-2008, 10:20 AM
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother knew that the parish priest had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the priest in the afternoon. The priest, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the priest raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:50 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers from famous figures follow. . .

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:51 PM
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:51 PM
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:52 PM
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:53 PM
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:53 PM
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:54 PM
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:54 PM
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:55 PM
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:56 PM
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:56 PM
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 01:59 PM
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:00 PM
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:01 PM
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:06 PM
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:06 PM
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:07 PM
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:08 PM
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:10 PM
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:16 PM
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:18 PM
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:19 PM
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:22 PM
DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

UberZagFan
02-04-2008, 02:22 PM
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

UberZagFan
02-22-2008, 07:31 AM
** Excerpts from a Dog's Diary **

8:00 am - Dog food! My
favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite
thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite
thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite
thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm -
Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!
My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite
thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00
pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm
- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

** Excerpts from a
Cat's Diary **

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors
continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine
lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort
of dry nugget s. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength. The only thing
that keeps me going is
my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit
on the carpet.

Today , I decapitated a mouse and dropped its
headless body at their feet. I had
hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates
what I am capable of,
however, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good
little hunter" I am.
#######s!

There was some sort of assembly
of their accomp l ices tonight. I was placed in
solitary confinement
for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and
smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the
power
of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it
to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was
walking. I must try this again tomorrow --
but at the top of the
stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies
and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more
than willing to return. He is
obviously ######ed.

The bird has got to be an informant. I
observe him communicate with the guards
regularly. I am certain that
he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody
for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...
For
now...

gozagswoohoo
02-22-2008, 08:12 AM
Uber- That dog diary was freakin hilarious! I laughed out loud when I read the first entry for the cat....day 983 of my captivity. lmao.

I copied and pasted that into my work e-mail and sent it to about 5 people. Within 5 minutes, someone e-mailed me back and asked, "Nathan...what is the Foo?" hahaha. Apparently, I copied a little too far, including the part about Uber still accepting neg rep. lol

RenoZag
02-23-2008, 08:19 PM
Subj: Religious truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store.

RenoZag
02-26-2008, 06:50 AM
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest,

"You've done nothing but b--ch since you got here."

lothar98zag
02-26-2008, 08:48 AM
response 234

RenoZag
03-08-2008, 12:49 PM
From the SMC Hoops board:

A St. Mary's Gael, a Gonzaga Bulldog and a Santa Clara Bronco were sitting in a San Diego bar. The view of the bay was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

"But," said the guy from St. Mary's, "I still prefer the Roundup. The owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Bulldog said "Well, at my local bar in Spokane , the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Bronco responded. "Back in Santa Clara there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."

The Gael and the Bulldog immediately doubted the Bronco's claims." And this actually happened to you?" asked the SMC grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Bronco, "But it did happen to my sister, twice."

83topper
03-08-2008, 06:39 PM
http://i227.photobucket.com/albums/dd225/hedgehog2grill/thNothing2Add.gif

Bocco
06-05-2008, 05:34 AM
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....


#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.


#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.


#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.


#7... Foursomes are encouraged.


#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.


#5... Three times a day is possible.


#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.


#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.


#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.


And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Bocco
08-12-2008, 08:53 AM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,"No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

RenoZag
09-25-2008, 06:56 PM
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave.
McCain was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been with a hooker’.

The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’
Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what a hooker smells like.’

Via the ZP Posting Thread. . .

RenoZag
10-18-2008, 06:50 AM
Q: What the difference between today's investment bankers and pigeons?







A: Pigeons can still make a deposit on a BMW.

UberZagFan
12-09-2008, 09:36 AM
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

"I'd have to say the living one."

RenoZag
12-19-2008, 06:23 AM
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.





So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s--t.

Bocco
12-19-2008, 04:51 PM
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!" "

My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

Bocco
12-19-2008, 04:55 PM
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

RenoZag
03-25-2009, 02:14 PM
I recently picked a new primary-care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"


He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or other alcoholic beverages?"
"Not to speak of," I replied.

Then he asked, "Do you climb ladders to put up Christmas lights? "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said all that red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me quizzically and said,
"Then why do you give a s--t if you live to be 80?"

Bocco
03-25-2009, 07:32 PM
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Bocco
03-25-2009, 07:33 PM
Morris died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Morris's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Morris would be pleased with the service."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper, tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"
Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?"
"Five and a half carats."

Bocco
03-26-2009, 04:13 PM
BobZag, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at BobZag and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
BobZag said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
BobZag placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to BobZag, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

BobZag replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."


BobZag took the money...

Bocco
03-27-2009, 04:42 PM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.... Let me go find out" and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple tersely, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!", St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Bocco
03-29-2009, 04:04 PM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'